The mass that wouldn't go away

To update you all on my recently scary adventures:

I went to the surgeon today to talk about the mass that has decided to make itself at home on my right ovary. I went into the appointment terrified of what the doctor might have to say. Was I going to need a full hysterectomy? What are the chances of it being cancer? There were so many questions that I have had for so long that I was begging for answers. Luckily, he was just as prepared as I was to talk about the findings. There is no need for a hysterectomy at this time. They are running the screens to see if what I have contains any pre-cancerous or cancerous cells. But I always learned a new word today...

ENDOMETRIOSIS

What is this you ask? I still have not fully grasped what tags along with this word. All I am completely sure of, is that I have this, and that it is not going away. 

A part of me was relieved, I for now, do not have cancer. But I am also in a way disappointed. I was hoping to just have this mass removed and to go on with my daily life. However, the doctor has made it clear that daily life isn't going to be quite the same anymore. I will be starting some new medicines, as well as continue to a genetics doctor to see if I carry the gene to possibly have Ovarian Cancer. So here I am yet again, fighting another battle.

XoXo 

MIA

Good Morning Blogland!

I bet most of you have noticed that I went MIA-life has gotten crazy lately and I just didn't want to be negative nancy everytime I wrote, so I decided not to write at all.

What has been up in the world of Rachel might you ask? I feel as if this is a mountain that I will never see the top of. I had a crazy few weeks with trying to finish school up, started working full-time, trying to squeeze in time with my infusions and still stay on top of my treatments.

I would be lying if I said I have been completely compliant with my treatments. Actually, too be quite honest, I am not even sure how often I am doing my nebs anymore. I know,I know.Time isn't an excuse. I really entered a  mild state of depression for a little while. My pre-screen for transplant came out with negative results, and I have just had a tough time finding a silver lining. You see, in my mind my life is all wrong. I will be 21 in October, and here I am still living at home, barely graduated with college with an associates, and going to the hospital every week. I thought for sure that this will be the rest of my life-sitting in front of a computer doing research and writing blogs for the rest of my life with no hope for a future.

But today,I am writing on a positive note. I have spent the past few weeks reflecting on my life and trying to decide on where I will go from here. I have spent some great few days with my boyfriend and realized I am the most loved girl in the world. I finally have found a chance to partially live on my own and live with my boyfriend and that makes me happier than anything in the world. And my work has finally offered me some awesome health insurance which will make my life a lot easier.

So at the end of the day,you just have to look at the little things and appreciate them.

Making it in the real world

Well. My colonoscopy came back with terrible results. We found more problems than expected and quite frankly, I'm having a hard time letting it all soak in. I just keep telling myself that I don't have time for this. I'm not sure if it's not having time, or the fact that I am scared out of my skull that something else is wrong. Do you ever feel like there are a million arguements going on inside of your head? That's how I've felt for the past 4 days. I haven't even been able to blog because I just feel like my thoughts are going in circles and circles. I am going to have to start infusions and new medicines to try and help my colon issues out. I have to do this on top of my normal treatments and clinic appointments. On top of being a full-time student. On top of working 30 hours a week. On top of going to an internship 16-20 hours a week. I don't know how to handle it all. I don't know how at 20 years old, I am already supposed to prioritize my life and give up things that are important me due to my health. I try to talk to my friends and family. They are all super supportive but it's always the same answer in the end "we'll get through it.". I suppose I can't expect them to say much else, or to fix what I'm going through. I just wish there was some guidance somewhere to make this easier. I don't want to sound mean and say they don't understand either, but sometimes that's just how I feel. Sometimes there is just so much pain, hurt, and confusion in my life that I wish I could share with someone, but that would be asking too much. Overall, I would say this post is pretty pointless, but I just had to get some of this stuff off of my chest.