The battle

Today is a new day.
A day that is tougher than yesterday.
There are still many tears to be shed.
Many fears to be relieved.
Questions to be answered.
Thoughts that have no solution.
Can we take a moment to grief our situation?
Or must we continue with a smile on our face, pretending like we are not broken inside?
The truth is, we are broken.
Suffering with more internal pain than most people tend to realize.
But we make the calls, inform the family, and continue on because that's what is expected.


Not anymore.
It is my time.
I will scream,cry, panic.
I will not be ashamed when the tear falls from my eye.

But don't take that as me giving up.
For the battle is not over until I say it is.

Making it in the real world

Well. My colonoscopy came back with terrible results. We found more problems than expected and quite frankly, I'm having a hard time letting it all soak in. I just keep telling myself that I don't have time for this. I'm not sure if it's not having time, or the fact that I am scared out of my skull that something else is wrong. Do you ever feel like there are a million arguements going on inside of your head? That's how I've felt for the past 4 days. I haven't even been able to blog because I just feel like my thoughts are going in circles and circles. I am going to have to start infusions and new medicines to try and help my colon issues out. I have to do this on top of my normal treatments and clinic appointments. On top of being a full-time student. On top of working 30 hours a week. On top of going to an internship 16-20 hours a week. I don't know how to handle it all. I don't know how at 20 years old, I am already supposed to prioritize my life and give up things that are important me due to my health. I try to talk to my friends and family. They are all super supportive but it's always the same answer in the end "we'll get through it.". I suppose I can't expect them to say much else, or to fix what I'm going through. I just wish there was some guidance somewhere to make this easier. I don't want to sound mean and say they don't understand either, but sometimes that's just how I feel. Sometimes there is just so much pain, hurt, and confusion in my life that I wish I could share with someone, but that would be asking too much. Overall, I would say this post is pretty pointless, but I just had to get some of this stuff off of my chest.