A day to process

I am not a big fan of feeling sorry for yourself. I constantly tell myself that you "just have to do it". But as I sit here, drinking a cup of coffee, and laying on my couch, I am well aware that sometimes you just need to remember you are not a superhero. I have pushed myself for far too long, and I believe those long hours that I have spent working,dancing, staying up all night, are finally catching up to me. I have never felt so weak in my own body, I have never felt so powerless. There is power in knowing that I have spent most of my life living on the edge, defying the odds. I am at peace with knowing that it is time to slow down. I realize that I may not be able to work forever, and maybe I won't be able to work at all. Hopefully this will all sort out with the upcoming surgery and treatments that I will be receiving, but if it isn't, it's ok. My favorite saying is, "It's ok to not be ok" and that's what gets me through the day.

The wait in pain process

It isn't often that I post about something in the mixing bowl, but today I am going to do just that.I left the gynecologist in frustration, tears, and feeling more anxious than I did before I went in. As many of you know from mass texts and such, there has been some talk about a mass on my ovaries. We have been trying to do everything to relieve my pain, and I just end up curled on the couch at the end of the day, wishing it would go away. After spending an hour in the gynecologists office, the only hopeful things I heard were that we were going to move on in the process and get a surgery consultation on its way. Other than that, we are almost stuck. The insurance will not pay for the surgery until I have two sonograms, and until I have reached my 21st birthday. Why until I reach my 21st birthday? My doctor believes it's due to the complicated risks associated with this type of surgery-there are many times a patient goes in for "exploratory" surgery and comes out with a full hysterectomy. I understand that I am just a baby, but it is overly frustrating that I have been handling my own medical affairs and necessities for 5 years now, and they are now beginning to question my ability to read my body. October 23rd is the scheduled surgery consult. It feels forever away, but in reality I know that it will be here before I know it. I have never had to wait so long in pain,and quite frankly have never reached this type of fear in my life. I can only expect the worst and hope for the best.

Thanks for being patient with me blogland x0x0

The battle

Today is a new day.
A day that is tougher than yesterday.
There are still many tears to be shed.
Many fears to be relieved.
Questions to be answered.
Thoughts that have no solution.
Can we take a moment to grief our situation?
Or must we continue with a smile on our face, pretending like we are not broken inside?
The truth is, we are broken.
Suffering with more internal pain than most people tend to realize.
But we make the calls, inform the family, and continue on because that's what is expected.


Not anymore.
It is my time.
I will scream,cry, panic.
I will not be ashamed when the tear falls from my eye.

But don't take that as me giving up.
For the battle is not over until I say it is.

Merry go round!

Good evening Blogland!

Clever title,eh? Well I thought about writing pumpkin spice lattes and antibiotics but I already took that title last year. I am writing you from my awesome couch in my awesome apartment due to having a not so awesome kidney infection. This is about the 4th or 5th time this year that I've had a kidney infection and I am having absolutely no luck with getting rid of it. There is talk of transplant due to low functionality but who knows what will really happen.

The human body is the most interesting mystery in life. It still baffles me that when there is an infection, you get so many medications. One to treat the infection, one to make you feel better because the medicine for the infections suck, one to make you want to eat, one to make you feel ok after you eat and I'm guessing you guys get the point. I am just looking forward to doing research and possibly doing a naturalistic approach to this. I am so sick of being so sick :(

Today I am going to take the time to blog on some positive things in my life.Although there's plenty of bad that comes with CF, I don't want this blog to become a whine session.So with that being said,August has been an amazing month and I can't wait to share!

POSITIVE THOUGHTS
1. I am writing this post from the bed in my new apartment :) That's right, Me and the boyfriend finally dove into commitment and are now living together. it's quite the adjustment but I'm enjoying every minute of it.

2. I had a ph probe placed yesterday and had it removed today! There were no complications and now all I have to do is wait for the results. Although the results could come back terrible, right now I'm just proud that I made it 24 hours with an uncomfortable wire shoved up my nose.

3. I am really having an awesome time at my job. I am so happy that even through my health stuff I have had the opportunity to work. It's really great.


That's all for tonight!

Xoxo blogland<3

There will be hope,but no help.

As I sit here contemplating my next visit with GI tomorrow, I can't help but think on the pessimistic side. I am not sure why there is nothing but bad news coming in my direction. Better yet, I am not sure why I am 20 and dealing with these battles. Being scared isn't an option anymore, I have spent too many nights crying and wondering and hoping for an answer. It is a sad reality that eventually, there will be no help. There will be hope, hope to think that I will continue on pushing, but eventually there will be nothing more left than a body crumbling to pieces. I can't let this thought process get me down. Negativity isn't my friend. But unfortunately it is a reality. I try to keep my posts light-hearted and funny. I almost find it comical when people can't find the humor in their situation. But sometimes, there is nothing light-hearted about the situation. There is nothing that you can do or say that can make the struggle ok, you just have to do it.

But with an update:

Life has been busy,like always. I follow people's blogs on a regular and it never seems to me like they do anything.I find myself sitting here wondering if people feel the same about me? I am sure that the computer can make it seem like life is whatever you write it up to be. Anyways. I started having more GI problems a few weeks back, bloating, gas,leaking, all that gross stuff that no 20 year old feels like dealing with when she's just trying to live life. I'll find out tomorrow about the progress of treatments on my colon and find out if I am having kidney problems. I never knew that life could be so complicated. But I guess that's what makes life interesting.

MIA

Good Morning Blogland!

I bet most of you have noticed that I went MIA-life has gotten crazy lately and I just didn't want to be negative nancy everytime I wrote, so I decided not to write at all.

What has been up in the world of Rachel might you ask? I feel as if this is a mountain that I will never see the top of. I had a crazy few weeks with trying to finish school up, started working full-time, trying to squeeze in time with my infusions and still stay on top of my treatments.

I would be lying if I said I have been completely compliant with my treatments. Actually, too be quite honest, I am not even sure how often I am doing my nebs anymore. I know,I know.Time isn't an excuse. I really entered a  mild state of depression for a little while. My pre-screen for transplant came out with negative results, and I have just had a tough time finding a silver lining. You see, in my mind my life is all wrong. I will be 21 in October, and here I am still living at home, barely graduated with college with an associates, and going to the hospital every week. I thought for sure that this will be the rest of my life-sitting in front of a computer doing research and writing blogs for the rest of my life with no hope for a future.

But today,I am writing on a positive note. I have spent the past few weeks reflecting on my life and trying to decide on where I will go from here. I have spent some great few days with my boyfriend and realized I am the most loved girl in the world. I finally have found a chance to partially live on my own and live with my boyfriend and that makes me happier than anything in the world. And my work has finally offered me some awesome health insurance which will make my life a lot easier.

So at the end of the day,you just have to look at the little things and appreciate them.