Sunday, September 29, 2013

the breaking point

I've always wondered what hitting a breaking point is like.Is it when you've hit a wall in your physical strength and just can't go on? Is it when you have suffered so many mental dilemmas between your prognosis and just wanting n g to be like everyone else? Or perhaps,it's all optional-you've shed all of the tears you can,been angry and blamed everything else....

As I sit here, physically,emotionally, and mentally drained, I can tell you that the breaking point doesn't feel like what it looks like in movies. It is a feeling of desperation-a feeling that that you would willingly give up anything you could to feel an ounce of happiness or satisfaction.

That my friends, is a breaking point.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

A day to process

I am not a big fan of feeling sorry for yourself. I constantly tell myself that you "just have to do it". But as I sit here, drinking a cup of coffee, and laying on my couch, I am well aware that sometimes you just need to remember you are not a superhero. I have pushed myself for far too long, and I believe those long hours that I have spent working,dancing, staying up all night, are finally catching up to me. I have never felt so weak in my own body, I have never felt so powerless. There is power in knowing that I have spent most of my life living on the edge, defying the odds. I am at peace with knowing that it is time to slow down. I realize that I may not be able to work forever, and maybe I won't be able to work at all. Hopefully this will all sort out with the upcoming surgery and treatments that I will be receiving, but if it isn't, it's ok. My favorite saying is, "It's ok to not be ok" and that's what gets me through the day.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The wait in pain process

It isn't often that I post about something in the mixing bowl, but today I am going to do just that.I left the gynecologist in frustration, tears, and feeling more anxious than I did before I went in. As many of you know from mass texts and such, there has been some talk about a mass on my ovaries. We have been trying to do everything to relieve my pain, and I just end up curled on the couch at the end of the day, wishing it would go away. After spending an hour in the gynecologists office, the only hopeful things I heard were that we were going to move on in the process and get a surgery consultation on its way. Other than that, we are almost stuck. The insurance will not pay for the surgery until I have two sonograms, and until I have reached my 21st birthday. Why until I reach my 21st birthday? My doctor believes it's due to the complicated risks associated with this type of surgery-there are many times a patient goes in for "exploratory" surgery and comes out with a full hysterectomy. I understand that I am just a baby, but it is overly frustrating that I have been handling my own medical affairs and necessities for 5 years now, and they are now beginning to question my ability to read my body. October 23rd is the scheduled surgery consult. It feels forever away, but in reality I know that it will be here before I know it. I have never had to wait so long in pain,and quite frankly have never reached this type of fear in my life. I can only expect the worst and hope for the best.

Thanks for being patient with me blogland x0x0

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The battle

Today is a new day.
A day that is tougher than yesterday.
There are still many tears to be shed.
Many fears to be relieved.
Questions to be answered.
Thoughts that have no solution.
Can we take a moment to grief our situation?
Or must we continue with a smile on our face, pretending like we are not broken inside?
The truth is, we are broken.
Suffering with more internal pain than most people tend to realize.
But we make the calls, inform the family, and continue on because that's what is expected.

Not anymore.
It is my time.
I will scream,cry, panic.
I will not be ashamed when the tear falls from my eye.

But don't take that as me giving up.
For the battle is not over until I say it is.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Merry go round!

Good evening Blogland!

Clever title,eh? Well I thought about writing pumpkin spice lattes and antibiotics but I already took that title last year. I am writing you from my awesome couch in my awesome apartment due to having a not so awesome kidney infection. This is about the 4th or 5th time this year that I've had a kidney infection and I am having absolutely no luck with getting rid of it. There is talk of transplant due to low functionality but who knows what will really happen.

The human body is the most interesting mystery in life. It still baffles me that when there is an infection, you get so many medications. One to treat the infection, one to make you feel better because the medicine for the infections suck, one to make you want to eat, one to make you feel ok after you eat and I'm guessing you guys get the point. I am just looking forward to doing research and possibly doing a naturalistic approach to this. I am so sick of being so sick :(